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Written by Silver Sorrow   
Sunday, 05 March 2006 18:00
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Half-Life 2: The Collector's Edition
Once upon a time...
Beat the meatles...
Have I used...
He's at the ten...
STEAM: Driving Miss Daisy Crazy
This is the end
All Pages
Review: Half-Life 2
Alternate Title: Say Hello To Another Five Years Of So-So Mods!
Developer: Valve Software, LLC
Publisher: Vivendi Universal
Reviewed By: Silver Sorrow, aka Many-Stickered John
Official Site: Valve Software
Price: A limb of Valve's choice and one testicle or ovary, depending.
ESRB Rating: M for Mature: Blood, Intense Violence, Graphic Maledictions (provided by the player) In Response To Steam

Note: What? Custom models, you ask? No! Not for the review, anyway. That’s why you see regular weapons and a standard Alyx instead of my current black weapons and the Korin Gantz model (the black bodysuited version of Korin). As you can see in this comparison shot, it wasn't a tough decision.


 



Abstract: The Truth About Flipper Revealed!
Thanks to longtime forum friend/intrepid investigator of all things sea-related OrlopRat, we now know that the dolphin known as Flipper was, in reality, a female dolphin named “Suzi.” Knowing that this could only be a small part of a much-larger story (or not), I began digging further into the dark underbelly of Hollywood and the Flipper Fenomenon. Sadly, this horrible betrayal of America’s blind trust in the integrity of Hollywood was only the first of many sickening revelations I discovered in my investigations.

FACT: After the first season of “Flipper,” Suzi was training in her private lagoon when, just as she performed a spectacular flip into the air, she was tragically sucked into the engines of an extremely low-flying 747. Scrambling to cover up this horror, the producers of the show turned to the one name they could trust: Nancy Kwan.


 


FACT: For the rest of the series’ run, Nancy Kwan was the woman in the Flipper suit. So believable was her performance and so stupid was the target audience that no one ever found out that Flipper was in reality an eternally youthful Asian woman with a bizarre skin cream fixation wearing a foam-rubber dolphin suit.

FACT: Although the truth has never been revealed until now, the producers of “Flipper,” during a night of getting really, really wasted on some stuff in a baggie they found in their little brother's underwear drawer, drafted a spin-off series to the show based on their insider knowledge. They called it “The World of Flipper Kwan,” which would have featured a seaside brothel, a furtive William Holden, and a whole lot of fish. Sadly, Mr. Holden was not available due to “alcohol issues” (whatever that meant); their second choice for the male lead, Ted McGinley, was not available for reasons of being only six years old at the time. The idea was abandoned soon after the producers sobered up and made bail.

FACT: Suzi Wongg, Nancy Kwan’s estranged sixth cousin twice removed and a talented adult actress, was cast in the lead role of the 1991 adult film entitled “Wong Me, Wong Me,” a subtle, nuanced work that tells the heartfelt story of identical twin sisters (Ms. Wongg in a believable dual role despite the crude CGI of the day) who are separated at birth, then reunite years later in a series of highly enthusiastic and decidedly gymnastic positions.

SCARY FACT: The film also featured a historical scene which marked the genesis of a failed fetish called “fishing,” which involves two or more women cramming a live fish into each others’ personal orifices. Although Ms Wongg showed natural “acting” ability during her other scenes, her attitude in the fish scenes was best described by Adult Film News as “distracted.”

SCARIER FACT: “Wong Me, Wong Me” was subtitled “Two Wongs Make A Whitefish.”

A SEEMINGLY UNRELATED FACT: Ernest Hemingway (aka, “Papa Smurf”) wrote many books, several of them about the sea, before he blew his own head off.

Chilling stuff. And quite nauseating. This is Silver Sorrow, about to throw up his tuna fish sandwich.


Onward!


...But What’s Troubling You Is The Nature Of My Game
Hola! This then, is my Half-Life 2 review. I know: hooray. And I know, the game was released in 2004 and I’m just now posting the review. I KNOW. Okay? Believe me, I am aware. But as I’m sure you’re aware (unless you’re some sort of lead-paint-eating retard, which I am not ruling out), the final word on the validity of any game’s existence is completely up in the air until someone at the Hangar staggers out of one of our many makeshift meat cubicles to scribble a few words on the subject. Oh, sure...a few misguided magazines and websites start handing out “Game of the Year” awards prematurely before we’ve had a chance to review the games, but they’re fooling themselves...filled as they are with the sticky, gummy, misplaced hubris that denotes the sickening substrata of Lesser Scum.

Those hustling, jostling, elbowing sacks of meat and pus whose only desire is to give trophy cups, medallions and checkmarks (all in a row) to a game they are unworthy to install. In fact, in light of this revelation as to their lowly non-status in the Grand Scheme of Things, I shouldn’t be surprised if they elected to delete their fourth-rate sites/burn down their publishing houses, and end their own lives in utter shame. Because the world spins and the sun rises and sets on what we say...rather, what *I* say. Every time someone says “Hallelujah” or “Praise the Lord!” I smile...because I know they’re just talkin’ ‘bout Silver. You’re welcome, little manlings. Stop trying to sell me your worthless crap or I’ll smite you.

So! Let’s talk about what makes this game so friggin’ great, eh? Um...but first, the story of why you’re here.


 

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